WHAT IS YOUR CONFLICT STYLE? INTRO TO Q4
BEFORE YOU READ:
AFTER YOU READ:
DOCUMENTS & LINKS:
Everyone of us have a default way that we deal with conflict.
When the situation gets difficult, and things aren't going your way, and the people you're around don't seem to be seeing your side, we slip into you ways of coping with it.
When I started a position at a church as a 26 year old worship pastor, I brought with me my conflict style. This style had been shaped by the way that conflict had been handled in my home growing up. It had been shaped by my upbringing in the church. It had been significantly impacted by going through a difficult divorce. All of these factors contributed to an unhealthy way of dealing with conflict.
I was introduced to a model that helped me both understand my style of handling conflict, but also gave me insight on how to handle it more effectively and in a healthier way. Most of us try to avoid conflict and some thrive on it. Yet neither of those approaches lead to strong relationships with others or being able to accomplish things in community. However, when conflict is done well, it leads to stronger relationships and the ability to cooperate with others to achieve things together we never could have done on our own.
The beauty of this model for understanding conflict is that it is dynamic. It doesn't pigeon hole people into a single style. We all will have a default way we typically deal with conflict. However, that style can change depending on the person you're in conflict with. We can also move from one style to another in a single conversation. For those who are aware of where others are during a conflict, it is possible to interact with them in such a way that you can help them shift out of their unhealthy way of dealing with conflict as well.
This model is built on a quadrant with four squares. The two lines that make up the quadrant are a vertical and a horizontal line.
DOMINANT OR PASSIVE
The first line is the vertical line that indicates dominance or passivity. At the very top of the line are people who are very dominant in their relationships towards others. At the very bottom of the line they are more passive and they tend to defer to the desires of others. To use biblical language to describe this way of relating to others is on the basis of truth.
WARM OR COLD
The second line is the horizontal line that indicates a warm or a cold disposition. On the warm side, It is a welcoming and open posture towards others. On the low side people are kept at a distance and seen as unsafe. Turning to biblical language again, this would be a way of relating to others with grace. So now that we have an understanding of our horizontal and vertical lines we can turn to the four squares or quadrants as we'll refer to them.
QUADRANT ONE (Q1): FIGHTERS
Quadrant 1 is DOMINANT & COLD. Those who default to this way of conflict don't back down easily. They come across to others as aggressive. They don't listen well because their primary intention is to be heard, be right, and to get their way. They have a tendency to steamroll people by not creating space for others to speak. Problems are usually seen as someone else's fault and they don't respond well to correction. This attitude can be summarized by phrases like "it's my way or the highway" or "we gotta get the right people on the bus and the wrong people off." They dismiss other peoples opinions or rationalize them away. They often use intimidation and coercion as a way of causing others to back down. This can be done with a fierce stare or tone of voice. Winning is more important to them than caring for others. People with this primary conflict style tend to like to be in charge and are often given those positions because they get things done but they leave a trail of wounded behind them. THEY CRAVE RESPECT. They tend to be people-users or people abusers. If they were an animal they would be a lion or a bull dog. This approach sees conflict as a you lose, I win situation. They see themselves and others as "You're not okay, but I'm okay." In it's most extreme case it leads to physical violence and even murder.
In biblical terms, these would be people who are high on truth but low on grace. They can have all the right biblical answers but are not kind or caring to others. They hold everyone to expectations but don't like being held to expectations. They correct others but hate being corrected. This is the Pharisaical way of approaching others.
QUADRANT TWO (Q2): RUNNERS
Quadrant 2 is PASSIVE & COLD. Those who default to this style of conflict withdraw at the first sign of conflict. They hate it with a passion and are uncomfortable with even minor disagreements. They close themselves off in order to find safety. They do this by either physically withdrawing from conflict or by emotionally disengaging. They do this by avoiding eye contact, giving short non-helpful responses to questions, and slumping. "I don't know, what do you want me to say." "Okay. Fine." Or they give just enough of an answer to make the conversation stop by saying what they think you want to hear even if they don't believe it. "if that's what you want." Those who practice this way of conflict tend to be rule followers because THEY CRAVE SAFETY. They like to do what is expected and fly under the radar. They don't like to put themselves or their opinions out their because they fear criticism. This approach sees conflict as "You're not okay, and I'm not okay." In it's most extreme case it leads to suicide.
In biblical terms it is people who struggle with giving themselves or others grace. They don't trust others and they struggle with their own value as well. This is Gideon hiding in the winepress and not believing when God spoke about his desire to use him.
QUADRANT THREE (Q3): FAKERS
Quadrant 3 is PASSIVE & WARM. Those who default to this style of conflict are often viewed as kind and compassionate people who just want everyone to get along. Unfortunately they struggle with speaking truth in hard situations. They try to find a solution even if it means compromising on something they think is important. They are more worried about being nice than they are about making sure that truth is spoken. They have a tendency to enable bad behavior by not confronting it. They often mistake love for permissiveness. They fear being rejected or being ignored and CRAVE ACCEPTANCE AND PRAISE. They like to be thought of well so they don't like to ruffle feathers by dealing with issues. They have a tendency to bend rules or make exceptions to make others more comfortable. What they believe is being a peacemaker is actually peace-faking because it refuses to speak the truth in love. In extreme cases this leads to lying to cover for others or lying because they broke the rules for someone else.
In biblical terms it is people who are mostly grace and lacking in truth. An example of this is when Peter is afraid of others and caves into lying that He doesn't know Jesus. Or Saul, when he has been commanded to kill his foes, but instead enslaves them when his army asks to keep the plunder.
All three of these quadrants are unhealthy ways of approaching conflict. In our next post, we will cover Quadrant 4, the only healthy way to approach conflict. Before we move on though, let's ask some questions.
What style of conflict did you see in your home? What style was your mom or your dad?
How do you think that affected your approach to conflict?
What other experiences in your life do you feel like has shaped your approach to conflict?
Can you see that your style of conflict changes depending on the person? Does it differ with a co-worker than with your spouse or children?
Do you see yourself as a high truth person or a high grace person?
How would others classify your style of conflict? Does it match the way you see yourself? If not, why do you think they see you differently?