JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME (CONFLICT MANAGEMENT)
BEFORE YOU READ:
AFTER YOU READ:
DOCUMENTS & LINKS:
My wife warned me that before we start a sermon series, God usually gives us opportunities to put into practice what we’re studying. And this series has been no exception. We’ve been doing a sermon series on Conflict and it’s lead to a ton of great conversations as well as some difficult opportunities to grow.
Conflict, according to Robert Jones who wrote Pursuing Peace, is inevitablebecause we’re all sinners, sinful because it goes against God’s design, and an opportunity that should be seized because God can work all things for our good and his glorious purposes. The bible is full of great teaching on how God deals with conflict. Jesus (God in flesh) also gave us a ton of teaching on it, as well as beautifully illustrated conflict resolution in his life.
But often when we pick up the bible and read some of the teachings, we are left scratching our heads on how to apply it’s principals once we’re in the actual situation. We’ve been taught Matthew 18 as the biblical way to deal with conflict which says:
15 “If another believer sins against you (some translations don’t have “against you”) , go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.
18 “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven.
19 “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. 20 For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” (NLT)
I am not an expert on conflict management. I’ve messed up quite a bit in regards to this pattern.
However, I can speak some wisdom from what I’ve learned from both my failures and God’s successes.
Here are some of the principles and questions I’ve encountered about how this works out from experience.
Almost No One starts One to One
Jesus says we shouldn’t create triangles. You know, take a conversation that should have two sides and add a third. In elementary school we would say, “this is an A to B conversation so C your way out.” Conveniently, that’s God’s will for the initial conversation when it comes to conflict. Person A is sinned against so they go directly to Person B. Don’t pull in Person C. It just gets messy and creates more conflict.
Why People Disobey this command?
We’re afraid of conflict. Probably the most likely reason is we just don’t like going directly to anyone they have a problem with. We’re afraid. Afraid of how that person will respond. Maybe they’ll get mad. Maybe they’ll be really hurt. Maybe I’ll get hurt more. Maybe it will get worse if I go to them. What if I handle it badly?
We want someone else to take care of it for us. This is a temptation for me. I just don’t want to deal with it. I just want it to go away. If I can tell somebody in authority about it, they’ll deal with my problem for me and I don’t have to worry about them getting mad at me.
We’ve never been taught how. This is usually the case because very few of us ever take a class on conflict management or read a book on it, or see it modeled well.
We mistake being nice for being Christ-like. People feel like being nice is the highest virtue. We think if we bring up a problem someone is creating that we’re being mean. But Jesus never let sin slide. He loved us too much to let us continue down a destructive path.
Why we should go one to one first?
It can feel disrespectful when someone doesn’t come to you first and starts talking to someone else about you. You feel like you’re being gossiped about or circumvented.
It might be a simple misunderstanding that can be cleared up easily. Many problems are really the result of miscommunication. There might be an easy, clear solution if you can talk about it.
It robs both you bothofthe chance to grow your relationship. Relationships that are worth having take work and time. If you never go to that person, you never have a chance to find out why they are the way they are and grow to care for them. The same goes for them. You rob them of the chance of getting to know you.
It helps keep the issues clear. Like the game of telephone we played as kids, adding more people to the mix often ends up distorting the issues. When there are more than two people involved, it can add details that weren’t part of the original conflict and omit important things that actually happened.
Not doing so is divisive and has a tendency to escalate conflict quickly. This is by the far the biggest reason that Jesus told us not to involve anyone else until we’ve talked to the person we have the problem with. We build cases and then teams and before we know it, there is a huge use verses them war going on.
So what do you do if someone won’t go one to one and tries to involve you?
Let’s say someone walks up to you and says “Hey, what do you think about the volume in the worship service?” or, “Have you noticed that the youth pastor is doing…” or maybe it’s a little more subtle like “I’m really concerned about so and so and how they’re…” This is code for I’m talking to you about this instead of the person I have an issue with. My suggestion is to say “Hey, because I care about you and (name of the person being talked about) and I really think you need to talk to them first. I don’t want to get in the middle and cause division.” Or a simple way is “Before you go any further, have you talked to them about this?”
A number of things will happen if you do this.
They will say “Well I don’t want to cause problems” to which you can respond “well if that’s true then you need to talk to them first, because by not talking to them first and talking to me you’re potentially creating problems already.” The desire would be that they would then follow God’s command to approach the person they have a conflict with one to one.
However, they may say they will do that, but they are seeking godly counsel because they’re unsure of how to handle the situation. You’ll have to judge if this person is trying to avoid conflict, or if they really are seeking wisdom. Often you can make that decision based on their history of dealing with conflict. If they are habitual avoiders, then you need to excuse yourself from the conversation by saying “I’m sorry, I really think you need to talk to them first and I don’t feel comfortable being part of this conversation.” On the other hand, if they are genuinely asking for wisdom, proceed with caution and engage only if you feel like you can engage in the conversation and be able to advocate for both people involved and not take sides.
They’ll see that you’re not going to help them build a case and they’ll go find someone else who will listen to them. If this is the case then they are engaging in sinful behavior and they are now the ones that need to be confronted.
So they find out you won’t get involved and they find someone else who will listen? Now what?
When you find out they they are not going to follow God’s command and are avoiding the person they have a problem with but are still talking to others, it is time to deal with the problem swiftly. They are now being divisive and engaging in gossip. You are now supposed to go to them directly and confront them.
You might say “hey, I have noticed that you still have not talked to (so and so) and instead of talking to them like I advised you to, now you’re gossiping.” “That’s not okay. When are you going to talk to them?” If they are still unwilling, then it’s your responsibility to set up the meeting. You may say “okay, well this can’t continue so when are you available for you, me and the other person to get together and work on this?” If they are still unwilling then you need to go to the person that is being gossiped about and take them with you to confront the person who is avoiding conflict but engaging in divisive behavior.
Not Comfortable but Extremely Profitable
I know that none of this is easy. However, Jesus gave us this command because he knew it was the best way. When people in the church choose to go one to one first, it creates the kind of culture where unity is possible. Relationships are strengthened, sin is dealt with, and we learn how to both rebuke and repent. When people aren’t allowed to create triangles you snuff out sparks of conflict before they ever turn into raging fires that burn down churches and harm the reputation of Jesus.