THE CONFLICT STYLE OF JESUS: GRACE & TRUTH
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In our last post we introduced you to the model for understanding four conflict styles. We talked about how the model was based on high dominance or passivity one one spectrum and warmth towards others or a cold disposition towards them on another spectrum.
We then walked through the first three of those conflict styles and talked about how Quadrant 1 is high dominance and cold towards people. We called them the fighters. This conflict style is an aggressive approach that doesn't shy away from a fight and is intent on winning. Quadrant 2 is low dominance and cold towards people. We called them the runners. This conflict style is conflict averse and does everything they can to avoid physically or emotionally engaging in a disagreement. Then we talked about Quadrant 3 whom we gave the nickname the fakers. We could also call them the appeasers or people pleasers. They are low dominance but warm towards people. They value getting along and tend to be willing to compromise and give up their own opinions for the sake of others.
We used the biblical terms of grace and truth to describe the two major values we should have have when approaching others. Some people are high truth and low grace people and care about being right, but not necessarily kind. Some people are low truth and high grace and are kind but soft pedal on saying what is true. Some people are low truth and low grace and don't believe that things can or will change and simply want to stay safe. We said that none of these conflict styles is actually healthy, so that leaves us needing an alternative. This is why the training we're covering is called Q4 conflict training. Quadrant 4 is the only healthy style of conflict that balances both dominance and warmth.
When John wrote his account of who Jesus is he said that "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, FULL OF GRACE AND TRUTH. (John 1:14) Jesus was one hundred percent truthful and didn't compromise on saying what needed to be said. He didn't back down from correcting those who needed to be corrected and challenged them appropriately. On the other hand he was 100 percent graceful towards others. He was inviting, forgiving, and respectful to each and every person he interacted with.
FULL OF GRACE AND TRUTH
Quadrant four does not coerce, close off, or compromise, but it encourages collaboration. It looks for win win solutions. This style of conflict is both inviting to those who don't feel safe and yet challenging to those who are being overly aggressive. It is not worried about pleasing people but about making sure that God is pleased and encouraging others to engage in his mission. It strives to tell the truth in a kind way. In one of my other posts I give a fuller comparison of grace and truth but here are some ways that Q4 conflict balances grace and truth.
GROWING INTO A Q4 RESPONSE TO CONFLICTThe first step in learning to deal with conflict differently is to identify which default style you go to naturally. That will dictate the ways that you will have to begin to seek to grow.
Q1's AND GRACE: For example, if you naturally go to Q1 and default to fighting, then you will need to learn to implement showing grace to others. Now this isn't an overnight process. It takes time because the way we deal with others is based on how we see ourselves and how we see others. People who need to grow in grace towards others need to start by remembering that they themselves actually need grace. They need to be reminded that only Jesus has all the answers. Jesus is king and in control so they don't have to cling to it so tightly. People are made in the image of God and deserve to be respected even when we disagree with them. Additionally, a Q1 usually needs to dial down the dominance in order to make others feel safe. This is done my being aware of body language and tone. Is your face giving the impression of receptiveness? Does your tone of voice sound accusatory or curious and looking for common ground?
Q2's AND GRACE AND TRUTH: When people are in this conflict style, they are the most difficult to engage because they are purposefully disengaged. People in this place need to grow in both grace and truth which means they have double the work of the other styles. Learning to grow will depend on the ability to trust God even when it's hard to trust people. It means realizing that you have personal worth and that both you and your opinion are worthy of being expressed and heard. You will never grow and never bring any meaningful growth to your relationships or ministry if you check out. God has created you to make an impact and wants you to trust him that he'll care for you no matter the consequences.
Q3's AND TRUTH: For those who naturally default to a Q3 style of conflict, they are going to need to need to learn to be more willing to stick to speaking the truth, even when it's hard. Don't fall into the trap of believing that love is about being nice. Real love makes sure that if someone is treating others badly, to stick up for them. Real love means not compromising on what is best just to make someone feel better. This will involve being more dominant in conversations with those who are not listening or always asking you to be the one who compromises.
WHAT Q4 LOOKS LIKE IN RESPONSE TO THE OTHER STYLES OF CONFLICT
Q4 in conflict with Q1: A Q4 approach to someone who is Q1 needs to be equally dominant. If they are not they will not be taken seriously by someone who is overly dominant. At the same time, they have to be warmer and more respectful than the person who is being aggressive. They will have to set boundaries for the way that they will be talked to. They cannot respond with aggression. It is possible to be dominant without being aggressive. This is the approach that Jesus took when he said to turn the other cheek. He was definitely telling his followers not to reciprocate using the same level of aggression. He was also not advocating that we become punching bags. He was saying that if you're going to backhand me as a sign of disrespect, then I'll give you the other cheek and force you to treat me like an equal. Additionally, after establishing an equally dominant posture with someone who is in a Q1 response, we must do our best to treat them with respect and draw them towards a warmer posture. We can do this by seeking where there is agreement between us on whatever the conflict is over. It may be important to ask them if they are aware of the way that they are coming across to you or others. Sometimes it's helpful to ask them if they care about how you are feeling. The point is that it's not just about being right, but about being loving at the same time.
Q4 in conflict with Q2: A Q4 person approaching someone who is Q2 is going to have to dial it down on the dominance scale. The priority is to establish trust, care, and safety. This may mean if you have hurt them you might have to begin by apologizing. Don't ask too many questions because you don't want them to feel like they're experiencing an interrogation. Instead, ask a single question that is aimed at asking about how they're feeling or what they think about the issue at hand. Then be quiet. Sit in the silence and don't try to fill it. Simply showing that you're willing to be present and sincerely want to know about them can help create the environment for better communication. Pay attention to your body language. Does your face say I want to hear what you have to say. This cannot be faked. Everyone is capable of sniffing out a fake or someone who is manipulative, but for those who naturally fall into this category can spot someone who doesn't genuinely care a mile away. They are highly attuned to seeking safety from people who are untrustworthy. It often can help to say something along the lines of "I know you see things that I don't so I'm genuinely curious about what I'm missing here that needs to be addressed." Q2's don't often resolve conflict in the moment. They often need to be assured that you're willing to listen and they will come back to you to discuss it later if they feel like you're safe to approach. Be okay with processing time and don't push for an immediate resolution to the conflict. You're trying to draw a Q3 towards dominance in speaking what they are feeling and thinking and warmth by realizing that you are safe to talk to.
Q4 in conflict with Q2: Lastly, when you are trying to have a healthy resolution to conflict with someone who is naturally in Q3, it is also necessary to draw them towards doing what is right instead of what makes everyone most happy. Again, this means moderating your level of dominance so that they see you as someone who genuinely wants the best for them and others, even if it's painful. Sometimes it means showing them that the way that they are handling conflict is actually hurting others. Finding the common ground of how you both want to love people well is the starting point. There needs to be reassurance that even though there is disagreement, the fear of being personally rejected is not going to happen with you. Q3's need to be drawn towards seeing that truth is equally important as grace. They need to see that if they really love people, they will seek what's best and not just what's easy or comfortable.
This way of dealing with conflict is not natural, there is an aspect that is supernatural. Our natural tendencies is to fight, fake, and run from conflict. Our sinful tendencies lead us to dominate others or to bow to them like idols to make them happy. We needed a perfect picture of how love enters into a conflict. That loving people well in the middle of disagreement is a dance where grace and truth must coexist. We must learn to respect the dignity of others and value them as well as come together on what God says is true and best for the way we live together.
It is my hope that this will give you both a framework for viewing how you deal with conflict as well as how you might pray before, during, and after a conflict. God please help me show love. Help me speak the truth in love, and show them the grace that I too need. Amen!